Someone is blaming you for something right now…so go have some ice cream.

Dedicated to: the husky, slightly more than middle-aged man in the Hawaiian shirt and the hemp flip flops.

This morning, while waiting for my delicious iced nonfat dirty chai at the Coffee Bean on Sunset and Fairfax, a “gentleman” waiting in the same general area as I walked right into in the midst of very important call (as all of his calls are I’m certain).  After running into me — me, you was standing in one place unmoving and minding my own business –he looked at me as though I was an obstructing baby stroller or other inanimate object of inconvenience then, without breaking strike for more than a second, redirected himself and walked outside pacing.  I haven’t even mentioned yet that he was in his mid-late fifties, unfit and wearing a short sleeve button down shirt with some kind of botanical pattern (a la a hawaiian shirt) on a Monday morning at 830am… yes I’m certain you are rushing off to the office after this in your tropical shirt and your hemp flip flops.  I, too, returned to my previous activity of standing and waiting.  I noticed, of course, that it had happened but the occurrence didn’t really strike me as odd or upsetting.  It was my unaffected reaction that prompted my annoyance.

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If I am not surprised in the slightest when something like this happens then I’m certain I am not alone.  I believe there is an expectation in L.A. by those that live here that most people in this warm and “friendly” city care only about themselves and are more concerned with how they are perceived by others (“must appear important, powerful, attractive, wealthy, blah blah blah”) than with enjoying their day to day life.  By extension, when someone flips you off because you made a turn when you had the right of way or when someone glares at you like you owe them your first born because you have politely nudged them to slide over the painfully inconvenient half an inch because they are blocking the only open walkway in a store or restaurant, you probably have a little giggle or understated roll of the eyes or both (if you are anything like me) and then move on with your day.  Why?  Because this shit happens everyday and you expect it to happen.  Oftentimes, it occurs multiple times in a single day.

There is a reason why the saying exists, “It takes more energy to be negative than to be positive.”  So why is it that many of the people in this city insist on pretending to be positive when they are really just mad and aggravated?  Why do these people care so damn much about how they are perceived?  These are rhetorical questions of course (though I would like to know about anyone else’s position on this).

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The majority of the examples I could come up with as I tap away in this moment include self-important a-holes clogging the streets in and surrounding the sunset strip where the majority of “the business” is located (Of course I am referring to show business, the entertainment business, “the biz”).  However, this attitude is not exclusive to that geographic area or the stereotypical demographic with which it is congested.  I cannot even say how many other countless times I have been cut off, run into, obstructed, interrupted, bulldozed, scowled at (you get the idea…) by someone and then experienced a follow up attitude from that person suggesting that I should have been quicker to get out of their way or just generally not exist to make their daily dealings less trying.  I would take this personally but it’s not.  I have many friends who have the same experience and it is happening all day, everyday and in every area of the city.

I know this exists other places but, based in experience from living in 3 major US cities, Los Angeles breeds this attitude more than any other (on a digressing note, I do fear that the attitude may be spreading due to social media and reality TV…just saying).  In a city where you “only get one shot” and “only the strong survive”, you would think you might find a bit more character.  Instead of character, we have characters.  Even those who are not actors are playing a role every day.  Why is it that being yourself is such a scary notion these days?

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I will continue to use Coffee Bean as my prototype.  I have not discussed my impression of this specific location at length with many but I have always personally considered the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on Sunset and Fairfax to be one of the most “sceney” (factoid: sceney is not even in urbandictionary.com … this is a major oversight).

For those who are not familiar with the term, “sceney” is another way of saying “douschebag-invested” or “filled from floor to ceiling with wannabes” 

As someone who generally likes to avoid the more “sceney” places in the city, I have not been a frequent customer at this particular Coffee Bean.  This morning, however, it was already in to 90s at 815am.  I am not pursuing a hot coffee in 90 degree weather and the iced coffee at 7-11 (though cheap) is f**king gross.  I do not like Starbucks across-the-board and if I am going to spend more than $2 on my coffee I want it to be delicious.  I recently moved into a new neighborhood making said Coffee Bean by local one.  Therefore, for reasons of proximity and slight morning-coffee-OCD, I have been going to (only when warranted by weather which requires iced caffeine) arguably the most pretentious and tool-infused coffee shop in the city.  I can’t and don’t judge everyone that goes there.  That being said, the only way that I could be washed over by more examples in less time of the LA “characters with no character” attitude to which I have been referring would be if I were to stand still at a mid-point on Runyon Canyon where I could absorb the many snippets of “complex” discussions that would “hike” past in carefully selected workout attire OR if I were to seek re-employment as a front desk “greeter” at Equinox West Hollywood (a job which I, in fact, held for over a year) where the absolute worst of the worst are concentrated into one building from sun-up to sun-down.

Please do not misunderstand me.  Though my rants may sometimes suggest otherwise, I actually love my life in Los Angeles and I love far more qualities of this city and its surrounding areas than I dislike.  In addition, once you are able to weed out the BS, there are many people living in this city who can have a sense of humor about all the pretentiousness and stereotype that it breeds.  These people become your friends.  For me, it has been in finding these people that I have found home here.  I am glad that a visit to the Coffee Bean and Tool Tree cannot sway my day anymore.  Short-sleeve Hawaiian shirt guy can choose his anger but I am glad that I naturally and instinctively move on without even absorbing his ignorance.  If anything, I thank him because he inspired me today.  He inspired me to write and to recognize that I can choose my own attitude everyday.  I can choose to not wear a Hawaiian shirt and to be aware of those around me and treat people with respect.  I don’t claim to be perfect — in fact I openly claim to be deeply flawed — but I try to be real everyday.  In LA, real and genuine people have a high value and having character makes you much more unique than being one.

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TBC on being mad…

When I sat down to start writing this entry, the idea was inspired by self-important (or rather self-aware) mid-fifties Hawaiian shirt man and I was going to get into how everyone in this city is a little mad.  When I say mad I mean everyone in this city is either a.) harboring or living in anger or b.) a little crazy OR BOTH.  I still think that’s true.  I actually have a lot to say on this topic because I had two very potent events occur this week which made me question my own level of crazy.

I will consider that my TO BE CONTINUED…

Imagine if you stopped waiting for good timing…

Imagine if you…

  • Stopped waiting for good timing?
  • Stopped sleeping in the extra hour “because I can.”?
  • Stopped being afraid of failing?
  • Stopped allowing yourself bogus justifications or “outs”?
  • Stopped dwelling on the past?
  • Stopped turning on the TV just to “see if anything is on” (because nothing is ever on…)?
  • Stopped making excuses?
  • Stopped mindlessly scrolling through your social media sites while you have other things on your to-do list?
  • Stopped avoiding the things that scare you?

Imagine your possibilities…

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thoughts on being self-ish…

By definition, being selfish is “seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.”

I have been thinking about selfishness a lot lately because of the extreme negative connotation it carries not just by definition but also in the eyes of modern society.  After lots of thought, I really believe that there are times in life when it is important to act for yourself and your own interests even if there are others who will be unhappy with your decisions.  I believe that by following our own truth and happiness we can bring joy to others at the same time.  I mean, the word is selfISH not selfONLY.  I don’t know about you but when I use the suffix “ish” it means “in or around” or “kind of”.  ”I’ll pick you up at 4ish.”  ”I’m tired-ish.”  ”That sandwich was good-ish.”

If anything, “ish” is a way of not committing to its preceding word.  Today, I am adopting a new understanding of selfish.  To be selfish is too always consider your own happiness, well-being and benefit while making decisions based on what is right even if it is not always in line your own wants.  There should be a word for this because if you read a thousand books you will still come no closer to knowing which side you are on.  If selfish is going to keep its definition and its connotation then we need a word for those who seek their own happiness in order to be stronger people and in order to become the best version of themselves.  Being happy can be an infectious thing.  If people would seek to satisfy their own needs more regularly then there would be more genuinely happy people out there.  I live in Los Angeles so maybe I am around less genuinely happy people than others…but I still believe this to be true.  The creative world, the business world and all the worlds in between could really grow if everyone felt a greater sense of self.

By that definition, being selfish is a pretty shitty quality.  However, there are two parts to this definition and, the way I see it, the first part is not at all a bad quality.  If anything, I think many people would stand to benefit from concentrating on their own well-being.  Not only does the individual benefit from keeping their own well-being and by extension happiness a priority, but I believe it benefits those around them as well.  With regards to the second portion of the definition, I agree that it is shitty to never consider others.  However, I do not think it is in one’s best interests to put others ahead of themselves at all times and/or in all things.  Doing so will most definitely cause resentment and unhappiness.  I acknowledge, as always, that there are exceptions to every rule; there are certainly those who get a great deal of pleasure in their lives by giving completely of themselves for others.  Those people recognize that they are receiving joy from dedicating their time to doing good for others ahead of themselves and so, in turn, they are concentrating on their own pleasure as well.

I am not here to talk about people who spend the bulk of their time doing things for others and thus gaining the full amount of personal satisfaction they need to be happy.  Based on my experience, they are a small portion of the population.  I am speaking instead of those who routinely put their own happiness and desires on hold in order to satisfy others (oftentimes others who are not deserving of this kind of priority in the other person’s life).  I really believe that by not doing things that fulfill our own desires, interests etc… on a regular basis to the point that we lose sight of asserting ourselves when it is really important, we are not only doing a disservice to ourselves but also to those around us.

It is not the fault of others when they get what they want because someone else always concedes or never asserts themselves.  We are each responsible for our own happiness.  In this regard, I really think there is something to be said for being selfish.  At this point, I hope I am not being misunderstood.  I am speaking not about never considering others but rather about making ourselves a priority in our own lives.

You may be surprised to know that I have considered this concept outside of my “single gal with a dog and a dream” fishbowl, but my position on this extends beyond even the scope of my own experience.  I have two very dear friends who gave birth this week.  One of them is a first time mom and the other had her second.  Both of these women have been friends of mine for many years and the reason is because they both challenge me and they are strong free-speaking women.  Both of these women, in very different ways, are the types to always ask for what they want.  They always have an opinion but, in the same regard, are always open to the opinions of others and help from others when needed.  Both of these women seek out their own pleasure and, when possible (I believe that is an appropriate addendum as I am speaking about mothers), concentrate on their own well-being.  Even as mothers, they both practice a certain amount of selfishness in their lives.  Neither woman is the type to never consider others.  In fact, I think sometimes you can consider others and still make a decision that might be less popular because it is what is right for you.  That is OK!

My point here is, I believe that they are both destined to be amazing mothers because they know themselves and they know what brings them joy.  Children will benefit from growing up with strong and assertive parents but also around happy parents.  If a mother puts others first her whole life and then has a child and puts the child’s wants first, it scares me to think about the moment when that mother will gain the realization that she has sacrificed her own desires her entire life.  A child needs a role model.  Role models are those who pave the way for us.  They inspire and they all practice a certain amount of selfishness.

In short, being selfish does not mean that you have to give up being a good person and being a person of integrity.  Being selfish means having a greater sense of self…YOUR self!  Be more selfISH!

Wiser men (and women) have agreed…:

“Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness.
Listen to it carefully.”   – Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

“Nothing resembles selfishness more closely than self-respect”  - George Sand, Indiana

P.S. I have a very good explanation for my long literary disappearance.  I was being selfish and moving into my own place.  Now I can be SelfONLY in my new apartment where only I live…with my dog ;)

 

From weakness…

In the moments when I feel lonely or insecure

In the moments in which I yearn for company or seek out advice

I will strive to trust my strength and intuition

 

Deep down I know the answers to all of my questions

Deep down, I know that my moments of weakness are superficial and fleeting

I trust in my strength and intuition

 

I take responsibility for my past choices; large and small, good and bad.

In the future, I will seek to make choices I can be proud of everyday

When thoughts and feelings of negativity fill me, I have a choice

I will choose to rise above negativity

Negativity most often proves to be petty and I have more to offer

 

In the moments when I feel lonely or insecure

In the moments in which I yearn for company or seek out advice

My intuition is my ally and the only source I should seek for advice

 

I seek to trust this ally — I seek to trust myself

Everyday, I will strive for integrity

To end everyday and feel proud, I seek that.

 

What’s your favorite curse word?

Mine is motherfucker.  I am sorry if you are offended by my choice to not “bleep” the letters but what is the g**damn difference?  If I use a * for the “c” (which I will likely do for the rest of this post for fear of censors), you know what was suppose to be there — and if you don’t them I’m not sure how you managed to figure out how to use the world wide web.

What is so satisfying about saying “motherfucker” or any conjugation of it?  I don’t know but it feels go000od.  I was recently asked what my favorite curse word was and my very first instinct was motherfuc*er (in an attempt to not be gratuitous).  I follow my instincts and as the last 2 weeks have transpired I can say that this is 100% the most satisfying curse word in my vocab…and there are many competitors.  What is your favorite curse word? Please share.

p.s. to any of my regular readers: I’m sorry I have been absent. I am in midst of moving apartments and thus working ungodly hours to make enough money to remove the stress of moving costs etc….  I have some other elements which I’ll divulge in a later post. Anyway, my writing has been on the back burner for the last few weeks but not my overactive mind. More to come and apologies for my disappearance. Now tell me your favorite motherfu*kin curse word.

;) tiptoeingandshouting

When did it stop being taboo to talk about shit?

…I’m talking about shit as in #2s, poops, BMs, deuces, dumps, Cosby kids, lincoln logs, steamers, a Russell Brand, a poo, poopy, etc…  I have been sitting at my kitchen table for about an hour now with my male roommate and a girlfriend of mine (who also happens to be dating my male roommate) discussing our shit schedules (they also both offered up many of the alternate names for shit above).  Image

For me, the poo discussion is not an unusual one.  This is not a new topic, a shocking topic, or even (in my opinion) an inappropriate topic.  I won’t get into the details of the conversation but I remember a time when I would have never talked about shit with anyone.  Now we are talking about it as though we are talking about annoying people at work.  We don’t even bat an eyelash when we all realize that our shit schedules have been “off” for a week?  

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Like I said, I have no problem with this topic but I can’t remember at what point it started being a perfectly acceptable subject.  I think it was probably somewhere during the time that I was in a relationship with someone from Boston who proudly announced his bowel movements before they happened and getting dogs (with that same person) which led to a point where the meat of our conversations consisted of notifying one another of whether or not the dogs had pooped and what it looked like.  These are just some deep thoughts for a Friday night.

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Those who ignore their black eyes shall be forced to repeat them…

I’ve never actually been punched in the face before.  I don’t say this because I wish I had been or want to be punched in the face; I do not want to be punched in the face.  But, I am surprised that I never have been.  There are times when I have heard myself whilst being an asshole, consciously conceded that I was being an asshole, and then actually continued being an asshole.  There are times when I would be the first in line to punch me in the face.  I really do not like this side of myself.  It is terrible that I have moments where I will acknowledge the fact that I am being a jerk and then not try to rectify it immediately.  I don’t want to be a jerk or an asshole.  I have come to terms with the fact that I am a bitch.  But I will usually be considered a bitch because I have opinions and if having opinions makes me a bitch then that is something for which I will never apologize.  I am at peace with this.  Being a jerk is in a completely different category.  This falls into the bully category or the prick category.  I am not (when I fall into them) a proud member of those categories.  Most of my friends would tell me not to feel remorseful about this because sometimes “you just have to be an asshole”.  For that reason, I am writing about it here instead of talking to a friend.  I really don’t want anyone to tell me it is ok to be a jerk or to help me justify it for myself.

I have a point and I am now going to try to make that point.  This week, it was brought to my attention that I may benefit from “smoothing out” some of my “sharp edges”.  In this particular scenario and coming from this particular person, I was completely caught off guard and actually very upset that my “sharp edges” were sharp enough to need softening.  After trying to reflect back on how this exchange came to pass, I came to realize that if I am exhausted enough, distracted enough or stressed enough then I can be taken as an asshole.  For this is very disconcerting because in these situations I am not only unaware it, but usually trying not to be one and managing to come across as one anyway.  Needless to say, it was very upsetting to hear that I had left a couple of people for whom I have a great deal of respect with the impression that I might not respect them.  So this brings me to my point.  If I am not choosing to veer away from asshole behavior when I am aware of it, am I allowing it to fester and seep out in moments of great exhaustion (be it mental, emotional or physical)?

I am in the midst of trying to make a smooth and lasting transition into a new job and I just found out in the last 24 hours that I will likely be moving into a new apartment at the end of the month.  These are both changes that I have chosen for myself.  But am I making my life more difficult by never allowing anything to feel settled?  I think this is my pattern.  I have been wrapped up a lot lately in the patterns of my friends (usually romantic patterns but they can manifest in any way).  All the while, I have been trying to identify my own pattern.  Of course we all have our small scale patterns.  Our dating patterns can assign us a “type”.  Our verbal and physical patterns can assign us “isms” and result in people doing impersonations of us that people will usually laugh at (because they are accurate).  There are larger patterns in the life choices that we make that are sometimes a little bit harder to identify.  I don’t know if it is common for every person to have patterns like this but I have seen examples of them in others lately and they are patterns that, often, people cannot acknowledge or recognize in themselves.  It is for this reason that I have turned my own judgements back on myself.  Initially I thought, if I have had patterns I have taken great strides in breaking them.  But the truth is, I am not really certain if that is true.  This week, trying to juggle a crazy schedule all the while trying to complicate my life further by moving, I am realizing that this chaotic change is something with which I am frighteningly familiar.

I have a problem feeling settled.  If I feel settled then I feel lazy and guilty.  For a long time now I have had this constant feeling that there is always something that I can be doing.  And, sometimes, I believe I magnify problems for myself in order to propel change.  I have done this in homes, jobs, relationships and plenty of other small things I’m sure.  So now that I think I have identified this pattern of constantly needing to overcrowd my life with changes of my own choosing, I am left wondering if this is a pattern that I want to change.  Do I really have a problem with this pattern?  Is it a bad thing to always be moving forward and making efforts not to tread water?

I don’t make these choices for change lightly.  A lot of thought and then some additional over-thinking is always involved before I move forward with a decision (especially a big one like a job change or a move).  It is that over-thinking that I have been working to eliminate since the new year.  Hence my New Year’s resolution to trust and follow my instincts.  That resolution has not steered me wrong yet so I think it would be premature to try to diagnose a pattern that is somewhat in flux.

Ok, so how does all of this apply back to me being a jerk?  The fact that it was brought to my attention this very week that I had been misunderstood as an asshole to people who I like and respect leaves me wondering if I wouldn’t benefit some from paring back a bit on my “follow your instinct” resolution.  I think that it is a good resolution, but I think I have perhaps taken it a step beyond and abused the freedom that it has allowed me.  So now I need to edit my resolution; something I was prepared to do when I wrote my very first blog post.  While I will still follow my instincts in all major decisions and most decisions that fall into the gray area, I believe I will benefit from considering my actions or words before my snap instinct in ever single second.  This is something called practicing tact.  This is something that I think I have begun to lose a firm grasp on.  The absence of tact will likely get me punched in the face…or worse.  So today, in the interest of not being mistaken as a jerk (and ideally never ending up with a black eye from anything other than makeup or pleasure), I will reintroduce tact into my daily dealings.  I will reserve my instincts to be an asshole or even to just blurt things out without thinking strictly to my writing.  It could be interesting.

More to come on my move and my impending tact.